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Just doing the right thing.
Aug. 16th, 2006
05:27 am
So my usual hiatus from things then the occasion sporadic interlude into kickstart and go. Reading the backlog of memory and thought as a result of looking back at old emails. Dating back over two years of electronic messages for the hell of it. I wanted to sort out my email account, it's messy. I leave many a thing in a messy state, this being for two reasons: tidying is tedious and to the core I'm lazy. Where does laziness come from and how to stop it? Fear can stop it for a period, but in the end is the inevitable backlash because everybody has a breaking point. Truly the way forward is inspiration, there is no greater motivation. This can from a number of sources. Sheer determination for wanting to be the best, rooting from basic competitiveness. The trouble is, the things I can get competitive at, I don't deem important. However, the things I do deem important can often be beyond the reach of humanity. When I think of importance, I can't help but think beyond this planet and towards the stars. Our sun is one of at least 100 billion stars in a galaxy, in a Universe with at least 100 billion galaxies. The thought of all those other planets and those other intelligent life forms I do find mind boggling. The ultimate quest is to find other life forms, just imagine all that knowledge other societies could have, how much it could teach us, in such a short time. It would eliminate greed, hunger, close mindedness, cynicism, disease, population problems and maybe even pollution in the blink of an eye. Humanity would unite as one as it would recognise it was actually one species, highlighted from the stark differing appearance with our new alien friends. Before anybody could possibly think that these aliens could possibly be hostile, think about it this way. They have gone through so much, perhaps tens of thousands of years ahead of us technology speaking. They have managed to do that without destroying themselves. With speed of light travel, surely they would not need anything from us, just to offer the kindness of help. At the core that is motivation for many, helping. Does self service motivate? Naturally, for those who want to impress their little 'friends'. Are they 'good' people? Of course not. Of course we live in a world of unjustice, people still learning, and always will be because no matter how advanced a civilisation in this universe, none will have all the answers, the best they can do is to believe they have all the answers.
The things I speak of are for thousands of years into our future, if we don't destroy ourselves and all we work towards. Are things being fixed on this planet? The trouble is there are so many different ideologies and people wanting control and different agendas. The west wanting world democratisation vs Islam. Or the United states wanting to keep its grip on money and power vs the rise of China and the increasing unity of the EU aka the inevitable rise of a new world world. It's interesting actually, China are very interested in space, they have already put a man in space and are going to work with the European Space Agency, in my eyes this can only be a good thing. But as I said this is the future, what about the here and now. What can people do now? Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses, be the goal first of all as to be our home : Earth. So insignificant to the Universe, but so important to us. This beautiful blue green world should be treasured, it is the jewel of the solar system. But as we advance and learn, the consequences of that make it so difficult to look after. Personally, as most people I wouldn't have a clue how to start. For many they don't even ponder this anyway. They think "what do I want to buy", "do they like me", "I have to finish this work", "I want to watch this programme", "I want to watch this film", "I want to read this book", "I better write about today in livejournal, I haven't updated it today". All these thoughts, all my mundane, but they help keep us sane at the same time.
Jul. 23rd, 2005
12:43 am
I was tempted to not use this strange manifestation of my brain otherwise known as my livejournal. I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty sure there is a part of my personality that once I start doing something I get dedicated and almost obsessed with it. Infact at one point I was using up hours of my day trawling through lots of different material on this website. However, another part of personality seems to dictate that once I leave something alone for a while I just seem to lose interest in it completely, no matter how much I enjoyed it at one point. Perhaps I'm like that because I fear being drawn into it again and becoming mildly obsessed by it, and I feel time should be used better. I'm not sure how benefical writing about myself is. It does force me to think about myself, mistakes I could be making, therefore leading me towards a path closer to happiness. I know something gives you more self-respect if you think of it under your own accord rather than been taught to you. Although inevitably almost every idea is inspired by another one, but if a person is unaware of it I'm sure that makes them original in some sense of the word.
I think I've also learn that it is easier to learn from a bad experience rather than a good experience. It gives you grounds to know what to avoid, whereas all a good experience does is want you to explore around that issue and not necessarily address it head on. Well they say you learn from your mistakes, that's well founded I suppose. Although it's not as simple as that. The game of life is incredibly complicated, and yet can be made so simple. The trouble is if you look at it from the pursuit of happiness perspective, that does make it very complicated. The reason for that is because you can think about what makes you happy all day long, you can witness things, but until you have done it for yourself it is impossible to really say for sure, and then questions of "right, I'm enjoying this right now, but perhaps I will get bored, or change as a person, or find out I prefer something more and feel I've wasted so much of this short life!" All these questions that have to be dealt with, and as quickly as possible. But maybe looking at the big picture so much isn't the right thing to do. I suppose I can't help it, I just want to get my life so right, to know what all the main priorities are; to not get it wrong like I see so many others do. OK, so I'm stuck in this world, in my life, so what do I do now? There are so many options. Well what am I best at? I'm really not sure because there are so many options and clearly I haven't tried most things there are in life. That's a big frustration of life for many I suppose, they want to be empirical, but it is impossible to be so. Life is constantly guessing game, no wonder there are so many insecure people, because people simply have no idea, some people may think they do, but the reality is nobody has a clue! That is why I get so frustrated about people with their opinions, thinking they are better than others. But stripped down to the basics we decided that these ideas exist. But of course I've got beliefs and principles just like everybody else, but the difference I have is that I don't get angered by a contradicting opinion. Instead I have the patience to think why somebody believes it, rationalising why they may hate something, for example, and attempt to openly discuss it as best I can. It frustates me that everybody doesn't do that, infact I believe that is a sickenly rare attribute. Parents don't seem to teach that as most don't practice that themselves, can't they teach that at school or something?!
May. 2nd, 2005
12:10 am
I've been away from lj for a few days, which means I've also been a crap lj friend by not commenting enough, not that I have anything insightful to say generally, but it's the thought that counts sometimes I guess. Anyway I was pretty close to deleting my journal on the basis that self-indulenge is not good for me, because that's a big factor of this journal. But then I thought of a couple of reasons to keep this journal:
1. I think it helps make me understand myself and others better because I stop and think for once without any distractions from watching a film, watching tv or talking or reading something etc.
2. Reading how other people spend their life I suppose fascinates my curious nature.
3. My main purpose of this is to be really open, something I can't do anywhere else. Mainly just theories to help me formulate opinions as best I can because obviously I am still a work in progress so I'm certain about very little.
I suppose just that was enough. Generally when I write an entry I have no idea what I'm going to write and constantly I think of new ideas. I'm pretty sure as a result of livejournal and the way I have used it I am a slightly better person some 9 months later than I would have been without it. Some very negative attributes I have discovered in myself I've decided are worse than I thought previously, that was the part in all this I don't like, I think I just look too much into things when sometimes it isn't necessary. But I think that is inevitable when you try and deconstruct and question everything. If I try to concentrate on something that I can never achieve but spend my life attempting, like perfection, maybe that would keep me happy. Obviously my vision of perfection is my own and no one else would agree with it entirely. I used to think that having the best relationship was the single most important thing. Now I think, world issues aside (although from a basic level, as in the foundation of the structure of society it is the single most important thing), probably the single most important thing in life (OK I take things like shelter and food for granted, I'm not talking about basic survival requirements) is being I really good parent. I look at how I was raised, I quite frankly my parents were rubbish! I think quite a big factor would be giving a child an upbringing that I wish I had rather than having a father who is selfish and went away and is obsessed with money is close-minded, but other than that he's OK... and a mother that also worked a lot so was seldom there either, I just don't think they thought before being parents and had all the wrong priorities. I think they thought as long as I was kept alive they were doing OK, I think there is more to life than that. I can blame not having great parents on me not being as good a verbal communicator as I would like to be, on the fact that I had low self-esteem, on the fact I was shy. I think all those things could have been avoided and such a phase would have been unecessary. Also, I think a lot of things about life should have been told to me instead of me pretty much having to work it out for myself, it just would have made my life easier if they were open people and I didn't have to draw out information from them, they are just such frustrating people.
Talking about self-improvement I remember reading about how many males are becoming increasingly obsessed with their bodies and wanting to be more muscular and a theory for that is because they don't know their place in society because of the great shift in gender roles. I found that interesting, perhaps that's the big general difference between men and women? Men do something irrational because they are confused how to be and women do something irrational because they are manipulated (wanting to be skinny because they think beauty magazines are the law). Actually that's a really stupid theory because I'm sure the percentage of people like that are low. In reality I found the article interesting because of this:
( You probably won't want to see this, it's quite disturbing I would say. )
Apr. 25th, 2005
12:28 am
People are obsessed by defining themselves by really silly things such as; religion, gender and the colour of their skin. A big reason for that is because people judge others upon those criteria. I feel that everybody should be judged as an individual on a personal level upon their moral and philosophical values, because that's what I do. When it comes down to it I think there are two different minds sets in the world, open-minded and close-minded people. The open-minded just want a happy life and want to make others happy, try to be diplomatic, and are constantly willing to learn about anything to get there. The close-minded people are the ignorant trouble makers who make life hard on everybody else, have all their priorities in the wrong place, tend to be selfish, and think before they speak thus not thinking about the consequences of their actions and so become obsessed with putting others down by being rude or just gossiping about the most trival things. The good thing is that everybody has the choice to decide whether they want to be open or close-minded.
Apr. 21st, 2005
01:24 am
I went for a drink and constantly at the back of my mind I was attempting to brush up on my social skills; the eye contact I'm OK with, but I feel so insincere smiling when that's not really the way I feel around people I don't know very well. I do pressurise myself trying to have interesting things to say, but when it comes down to it few people make that effort. But I was feeling by my standards not very self-conscious for me in a public place. That was until I suddenly thought, OK I'm with a couple of my best friends, but suddenly how did it get this way, after all at one point I didn't know them, I knew nobody at one point. All these contacts I have I didn't once have, why is it like that, how did I end up here at this very moment in time. For a brief moment in time the entire environment just felt really awkward and foreign even though it was familar to me. I hate it when I feel like that. Literally when thinking like that the only thing that seems familar is family and home, things that I have known all my life, rather than all these exentions I have made for myself. then it scares me that any action I have made for myslef was as aresult of me, and nobody else, it's scary to me sometimes thinking that I am my own key to destiny and nobody else is really responsible for that. It's a times like that when going back to the old caveman system of hunting and gathering seems like a good idea. Although when I think about it life is hunting and gathering really, though far more complicated. We may be surrounded by all these institutions but still the goal is exactly the same. But instead of killing our own prey we must go out, get a job which few people are going to do, but have to do for a comfortable life style, then you have money to buy food. But you have far more things in the way of entertainment than ever before. Then I think why do I like the things I do, why listen to the music I do, why watch and enjoy the films I do; why enjoy music and film at all. It's just a thing that means I have to be defined by something, something to talk about and discuss, I small thing to sum me up by. Yet some many people are so comfortable being defined by something by what they wear for example. I guess the only way to get away from that is having an eclectic taste. But people have to fill their time so they don't get bored, or just to procrastinate away from things they hate doing.
Being unsure is quite painful. The only way of not being so is to know everything about a subject and that's so time consuming. I realise how important it is to have opinions on things, otherwise you are a boring person. But often having an opinion has the implication of dismissing an other arguments on that subject. It's completely unavoidable and there is nothing I can do about that, I can't stand that feeling. Generally I will opt for the one that there is obvious proof for and is more logical. Most people I come across will make completely unbacked up remarks which they absolutely no evidence for, I just never want to be like that. But sometimes put on the spot it's either say something you know very little on or nothing. In that case I'll probably say something, even if I know very little on it, I just don't like saying "I don't know very much". I also don't like the fact that an example doesn't come to mind for every feeling I ever get. I'm also very aware of not using certain words all the time ie- hate, I used to use that word a lot for emphasis, but I would never the use the word love, I almost wrote I hate the fact that it is so much easier being negative than positive; I suppose maybe that could be the way of not being associated with something, but I have no problem with being disassociated from something. Retraining myself away from bad habits so also I bad thing. Like when did I stop pronouncing a word which contain a 'th' that way, instead of with an 'f'. Everytime I speak that error now plagues me, I keep on correcting that mistake and now I am overlapping 'f' with the 'th' sound sometimes. I don't like it when I think like this, it's unbareable because with current mindset anything and everything I do I simply can't win, I can't block it out, I went through a phase where I could block it out, then it becomes worse. I can't stop typing because I just worry about something really small and pointless, maybe I have just missed the point; this was just so boring. Bad spelling and grammar everywhere. This isn't healthy, I don't know what to do! STOP! :C
Apr. 20th, 2005
04:14 am - An education into blunt wierdness.
I may as well have a pointless rant about nothing in particular. Rather like going to that stoner place today. I don't know, everytime I go there there are all so gormless staring at a gamecube game, literally everytime I am there. Also, they are like Victorian children, they only speak when spoken to, what real riveting conversations they must have. But they mean nothing to me really so I don't really care, they are merely middlemen. I guess I smoke because it is fun, they seem to smoke out of habit and as far as I can tell most of them can't handle it and it is frying their brains and are just zoned out. One of them is OK actually. I says that he used to be a very neurotic person and smoking weed made him much more confident. I don't know, for me stoned= laugh+hungry+lazy. It's the lazy part which is the problem, which is why I limit its use upon me, it just seems to sap energy.
I suppose I've been thinking about different forms of safe sex. Essentially safe sex is considered to be the penis not making direct contact with the vagina. I don't know, I guess many people feel they HAVE to do that, for whatever reason, despite the fact that either person can be completely sexually satisfied with one anothers hand and mouth. I mean can't the physical contact part be achieved with mere cuddling. I was also thinking about my main motivation for being with a girl at the moment. It's purely to give a G-Spot orgasm. After seeing a rather enlightening video on it I downloaded it does seem like the ultimate form of physical pleasure. There would be a big thrill of making a womans body shake for a minute with the most powerful orgasm. I admit the people doing it were experts and it probably wouldn't be easy to get something quite like that without a lot of practice. I feel so ignorant and lame talking about this, and very hesistant having never tried it. But women have such fascinating bodies being able to do things like that, which men can't. In fact mens bodies are rather crap and their only purpose is really to turn on women so they can have better orgasms. Fuck I'm wierd, I show my housemates that video and they're like, "seems like a lot of effort", I respond with, "with the amount of hours you waste in your life, at least it is more interesting than almost anything else you have done in an hour", "I guess you are right" they said. Sometimes it is so easy to change attitudes by just something along the lines of, well it's probably more interesting than not doing it, and I can't think of any negative consequences; probably because there aren't any.
I don't understand why most relationships aren't based on brutal honesty. Like somebody immediately saying to another, I hate it when you do that and explain exactly why and the other person is just so appreciative because they would hate to be annoying in anyway. Obviously some issues can only be solved by compromise, but done rationally that can be done within minutes. Obviously having never been in a relationship I'm once again ignorant, but I suppose that's the way the friends are, well sort of anyway. For some reason when I said to one them my friends I don't like it when he eats with his mouth open he seemed quite insulted, whereas if somebody do something like that to me I would say sorry and eat with my mouth closed. Well I guess I don't pursue the issue and put up with his disgusting habit until I leave this house, which I guess is roughly two months, so there is something I won't be missing.
Apr. 13th, 2005
06:30 pm
This is the way it should be approaching somebody:
"Hello, are you single?"
"Yes."
"Do you find me physically attractive?"
"Yes."
"Good good, fancy making out?"
"Sure, why not, I'm not doing anything better."
A couple of hours later...
"So that was fun wasn't, aren't I just the best kisser and groper?!"
"Indeed you are, I was completely blowm away by your obvious prowess, you really know how to please."
"I sure do, that would probably be down to the fact that nothing makes me happier than to please you!"
"You're right, I sense that with my superb all knowing women's intuition, I just feel like a completely trust you, when I look into your adorable eyes I feel so relaxed."
"That's wonderful that you should say that you feel relaxed in my company because that means that you will find it easier to orgasm, which is what I really want you to do!"
"Wow, you're so unbelievably giving, that's so rare, of course you're going to have to prove it to me."
"Well I was hoping you would so that, it proves that you aren't close-minded and realise that life really can be easy. By the way, you said me wanting you to orgasm was giving, well I am getting something out of it."
"Really, what?!"
"Well the satisfaction that I made you orgasm of course!"
"But what makes you so sure that you are going to completely sexually satisfy me?"
"Well that's pretty simple actually, you tell me actually how you like it, exactly what you enjoy and I shall give it you."
"Oh of course, why didn't I think of that?!"
"Lets go back to my place then."
"OK I'll just get my coat... what's your name by the way?"
"Magnus, and your's?"
"Oh who gives a shit about stuff like that, lets just go and have some fun!"
"A flawless argument."
Now in reality this is what would happen I imagine:
"Hello, are you single?"
The responses:
"No."
*stare blankly*
"Fuck off you complete and utter weirdo!!!!!"
Or she says she's just going to find her friend. Or if her friend is there and they are just going to go to the toilet (because for some bizarre reason their bladders junction in the most synchonised of ways) never to return.... dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!! Perhaps I should be worried that the had been eaten by the toilet because they said they were coming back. Oh I'm so confused, do they actually mean no and that's their way of saying it? Why of course, obviously, naturally etc etc :D
Apr. 12th, 2005
10:57 pm
I got back from home yesterday and I didn't have much time to do anything. It took ages looking through about 100 e-mails and just looking back at livejournal and giving up after going back through a few hundred entries. I guess that's another reason to make a cut of friends, it's impossible to look through things sometimes. But personally I can't be bothered to make a cut. I was probably trying to make really decisive actions because that was the mood I was in at the time.
Anyway home was interesting sort of. I'm probably closer to my mother than ever before and at the same time I feel further away from my father. Deep down I think my main motivation for staying sort of close with him is, as selfish as it sounds, inheritance. I don't like him as a person, he's made too many fucked up decisions for himself that have affected those around him for the worse, just thinking about himself, not thinking about the consequences of his actions. I think he know what he does, he's undeniably very intelligent. He definately has all his priorities wrong. I know I have only my mothers side of the story, and she has made some bad errors of judgement too, but I trust her more than my father. I think she is quite selfless in many ways which few people are, but she is frustrating in that I don't think she is that bright, I often have to explain things to her twice before she understands, for example. I put the errors down to that. But I feel I can be open with her and she does sort of listen and is interested in listening to what I have to say; my father is difficult to talk to. It's strange how I used to idolise (it's strange how ignorance can have that effect) my father pre-age ten, he never really earned it. I rarely even saw him, but I guess I always seemed really good at everything like tennis and table tennis and pool and bowling and things like that that impressed me. Although it always amused me how he couldn't swim, complaining difficult it was to co-ordinate his arms and legs. Not as funny as when my grandfather struggled to use a mouse, I couldn't stop laughing, I guess such a thing was just second nature to me.
I went to Tommy's (my mothers cousin) 70th birthday according to plan. I decided to make the whole occasion more bareable for me by drinking a lot of wine. Indeed enough wine to agree my cousin to stick needles in my ears in the name of accupunture. Five needles in each ear and each one was supposed to represent a vital organ. When it came to tenth one it kept on falling out. She said it represented the brain and mine didn't want it to go in hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
He's so rude:
Of course I know no one famous, like that's Ali G! That's some South African weirdo second cousin once removed of mine (it was discussed) who says yiss instead of yes for some reason. Sadly I have no picture of me there because I was behind that camera etc; but I'm sure I was looking foolish given the fact that I was drunk enough to believe that chimps were smaller versions of chimpanzees because the name was shorter, it's strange how much sense that seemed to make at the time.
I feel in quite a talkative mood so have lots to say still but this is already far too long.
Mar. 30th, 2005
12:35 pm
Ok I'm going home today I think. I've become mildly addicted to the internet over the past few days so I don't know what I'm going to do without it. Although now I have an addiction now perhaps that makes me really self-destructive and dangerous. Perhaps not then. Probably back to the old routine of TV watching I should imagine. I literally have every half decent thing here and nothing at home; a PC, a good TV, a DVD player, digital TV. Well that's about it really, but those are the basics I need really.
Yesterday was quite odd. I left the house for the first time in a week to buy food and buy a Counting Crows DVD. All didn't go to plan seeing as a Counting Crows DVD doesn't actually exist, which suprised to given the fact that there are so many rubbish music entities that have one and a great band like Counting Crows don't. Then I was really lazy and went to the nearest shopping place, Marks and Spencers. Well that was a bad idea, 7 items for over £22?! I'm an idiot for that.I didn't up having a meal that cost me almost £10 because I ate both the sirlion steaks- but in fairness they were probably the best steaks of my life. I also bought a bottle of wine. This was a Pinot from California after being influenced by the main character from Sideways favourite wine grape! I can't stop staring at the wine because I really want to know what it tastes like... <.< But then I thought I could take it home and wouldn't I popular, especially if it's good.
Well I must bid everybody fair well for a tedious train journey awaits me. Maybe I should have bought that mini iPod yesterday but I forgot. I would have got it in gold so I could feel like Mr T.
Yeah that's my life...
Mar. 29th, 2005
12:05 am
There are several reasons why I felt I had to have my previous post stating you must comment to remain:
1. I felt like my journal almost needs a new start. I feel that with a sense of purpose and some kind of ambition this was a necessity. Previously I had no ambitions and thus no motivation, I was just floating along in life not knowing what I was doing. I now feel I have somethng to reach towards. I don't know how long this feeling is going to last so I had to take direct action now. Some people like to hide away and get a new journal, I think what I'm doing is a far healthier approach.
2. I realise that many probably people have a great indifference to what I have to write but don't delete me out of politeness, I'm now giving anybody that opportunity, I honestly won't take offence I'm happy to have anybody as a friend but unhappy to have somebody who isn't a friend.
3. I suppose there is a side of me who was curious to see exactly who would comment and it's very nice to see a couple of people commenting for the first time.
4. I guess I feel that a couple of the things I have said recently have been really honest and it makes me uncomfortable the thought of somebody reading my thoughts and opinions who is either uncomfortable by reading it, doesn't read it or isn't open to the fact of I who am I am, (I think how I do I can't help that) aren't able to think like that and thus aren't able to accept my point of view. I always attempt to have reasons for everything I say and do, perhaps that is my way for handling and coping with life (is I just did it there!)
My life has one underlying principle; I treat others how I want to be treated by them. I don't want to be old and grey and look back at my life and think what have I done with it and have loads of regrets, I don't think anybody wants that. Perhaps this journal isn't entirely me but an extension of me and how I would like to be.
Mar. 28th, 2005
01:12 am
COMMENT TO REMAIN MY LJ FRIEND!
In two days time I anticipate that I will be going back home for a couple of weeks, so now I'm writing this to say comment to this entry to remain my livejournal friend. I realise that everybody has different ideas, attitudes and opinions and many probably don't like mine. As a consequence the best course of action for me is to do this. In two and a bit weeks I shall look back at this and everybody that comments will be my livejournal friend too =)
12:43 am
Oh life's big decisions, it can be so hard sometimes. But after a great deal of thought I have decided that a career in the civil service. There are several reasons for this choice which I shall go through now. Firstly, almost any other career simply doesn't suit me. For example, so many jobs require a certain element of deception and dishonesty to go far, as in business and law (plus law is completely and utterly boring!), working for the Government is such a nature a think that integrity and idealism is a positive asset. Also, I know one of my major strengths is my analytical skills, such is a very important requirement for reaching the top. Also, personally for me, I know there will be an element of job satisfaction because I'll be carrying out measures which will hopefully make the country a better place and I know I'll be serving other people rather than just myself with such a job. The only problem now is trying to find which Government department I feel most passionately about, that will require further thought and research. Inevitably though if I don't see real progress being made in many years to come I think I may get frustrated and definately become more active in politics. But I feel that starting in the civil service can only help that ambition because it will help my overall knowledge of local politics certainly a great deal more, which is a necessity for truly being able to understand national politics, But if I ever do make it into politics, not being motivated by money or getting to the top by destroying others around me, I may struggle to make it far. Infact, as I stated before, as I'm not affliated to any political party I can see myself as one of those really annoying backbenchers that everybody else hates because I would be on a moral crusade and they would all be there to rise up the ranks in their political parties like the fools they all are.
Mar. 27th, 2005
08:12 am - A theory on the meaning of life.
In the past of humanity, life was purely about survival and how and where to get the next meal. However, in the western world anyway (and we should all be very thankful for this fact- I just wish it was the entire world), this is no longer a problem. Increasingly people find themselves with more and more time to think and just don't know why they feel depressed sometimes:
I can't say personally what a huge relief it is the knowledge of needing a sense of purpose for life. I almost feel like such a fool for so long being clueless as to why I would just feel so sad and not even know why. I can understand now why people turn to religion and things of that nature, in a way feeling that their purpose isn't so much this life but the belief of the next. Personally religion doesn't work for me because I need something that I KNOW is true. This livejournal of mine intially started as purely a place I can completely write the truth and ideas of mine in, without fear of being judged because everybody that reads this I don't actually know in real life so I felt like I had nothing to hide. It's actually slightly bizarre how I came to the conclusion that a sense of purpose is the basis for feeling happy in humanity. I was watching 'The Care Bears Movie' and I was thinking how happy they were and how I wished I could live in Carealot with all the Care Bears and have all of them as friends, using rainbows for slides and playing in the clouds (now don't I just sound like such a small child!! =P). Then it suddenly dawned upon me, "How come they are so happy?" I quickly realised that each Care Bear had its own sense of purpose that it would feel content in doing. This in turn made them happy because they knew they were doing good. As a result of that the Care Bears felt happy and confident enough in themselves to share their feelings and to get others around them to do the same thing. It seems so silly to see so much depth in a cartoon I know!
The difficult part behind this theory was actually to think of a purpose. Essentially I had to think, without hurting others, what has made me the happiest or what do I think could make me the happiest. I realised that everybody was an individual so everybody does have a different purpose, whether they believe it to be career (work never seemd like fun to me so that clearly wasn't going to make me the happiest; I believe my father is the complete opposite to me in that respect) or whatever. Suddenly it dawned upon me like an epiphany that seeing the smile and contentment from me inducing an orgasm in a woman is the happiest feeling I have ever had. Possibly it was even fate that she happened to be in her mid-thirties, thus being at her sexual peak when women find it the easiest and quickest to orgasm (I was thinking maybe that is because when somebody is that age they are often more comfortable within themselves and thus find it easier to relax, which is what women need to feel to orgasm). Perhaps though this isn't my purpose, maybe it is just a warped mental state and is just a step towards the concept of being in love and then going on to having a loving family.
Mar. 26th, 2005
Mar. 25th, 2005
03:53 pm - Time
I know one of my major problems; I dwell and ponder too much upon the past and future rather than the present. My parents have never really given me much advice, I remember when I was about five asking where I came from when I was about fiv and being given some cringe worthy book at the time by my mum (who I still call mummy despite my step-father on several occasions saying, "how old ARE you?!") by Claire Rayner that was going on about "the man gently inserting himself into the baby making hole", well seeing that trauma from that age stopping me asking questions for a while! But a couple things I remember my dad saying to me are, take one small hurdle at a time and when asking how he always seems so fearless about failure he simply said, when your number is up it's up. Some guy that works for my dad was saying what a remarkable ability he had to just get on with things when a business deal feel through and just goes on to the next thing. I find that a remarkable ability and a very wise approach for business. I just can't help small things getting to me at times. I wish I could concentrate on the moment instead of wasting time thinking about how I should always save money so I can have a deposit on a house when I graduate. The damn house prices here, you can't get anything half decent for less than £250,000 and needing 10% deposit not many people have that sort of money. I blame it all on property developers buying up loads of housing meaning less and less housing is available for the small person. But thinking about that is a waste of time. But as soon as I start working I just don't want to waste money on renting when it could go towards a mortgage. But then I think once I'm there the chances are I'll be stuck there for 25 years and things change so much in that time. For example, maybe there could be a property crash, although I can't see that happening with the current trend, but you never know.
My dad also has these ideas like he reckons I should be a merchant sailor for a year. All those greasy sailors I had to meet when I was younger, shaking their sandpaper hands and iron grips crushing my own "I've never done a hard days work in my life" hands. I don't think I would fit into their lifestyle of: The Bait N' Tackle (noun)
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. It's like what is wrong with those sailors, I know something that cums in perfectly handy.
Mar. 22nd, 2005
12:24 am
( This is some text that I have inserted plus a picture of me, yippieeeeeeeeeeeee... )
Mar. 16th, 2005
01:29 am - Ode to the weirdo's.
I've decided that my journal is incredibly boring and bland, both to read and look at (zero effort on the latter obviously and it probably won't change). I keep on writing when I have nothing to write, but I just write anyway. As a result it I am is just getting really stale and I'm essentially regurgitating similar thoughts over and over again. Someone asked me whether I could drive and I said I had passed the theory but never got round to the practical side. It dawned upon me in an instant that that was my life, I bunch of silly ideas and understandings with no real substance. But whatever, very few people have got interesting lives really, that's why I don't really write about mine. But then again what is interesting to one isn't to another. I quite possibly find the most interesting journals to read are those of provocative moron's who have really warped minds and see things in a new light. It seems like some people just believe in something sometimes just for the sake of being different. People going around saying they are such a non-conformist, typing away in their comfortable chairs in front of a computer screen just like everybody else. You get some people like feminist nazi's who believe that men are fundamentally evil. Or people that think it is evil to masturbate or whatever. I find these types like car crashes, I just can't help and stare and watch. I figure perhaps they are getting their most depraved aspects out of them and putting it on the internet. Surely in this day and age these people can't exist and be so odd in a civilised world. Surely also all the people on day time tv are actors and nobody could be that weird to tell others about such details of their life. I just don't get it, why would anybody want to publicly say they are cheating on somebody and allow themselves to be booed by a studio audience. To me it just seems like they are sick in the head, or more likely just plain stupid and never think about the consequences of their actions. Sometimes I wonder how the world can function when so many seem so strange. But then I figure that these people stick out like sore thumbs and all the normal people just blend in nicely to the background.
Mar. 12th, 2005
04:50 am
I just had the most strange dream, and I suppose it was so strange because it was powerfully vivid. It's weird how in a dream you can shift from location to location without even realising it, just in the blind of an eye almost an entirely new world. For some reason I dreamed about evolution of mankind, only I dreamed that different humans evolved from different animals. For example; cats, wolves and apes. I just remember lots of different animals morphing into different human beings. I am rather fascinated by the human face and how it can resemble and represent different things (what is the opposite of anthropomorphic?). How a human face can have the essence of another type of mammal. How one face you may like, in a purely platonic way, just because they have an open face with a smile. While another is very grumpy looking and perhaps a person may naturally shy away from it. But if you seem similarities, which usually occurs on a subconscious level, between your face and another perhaps, maybe you are drawn to that. Hmmm I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm tired.
Mar. 11th, 2005
12:32 am
The usual crap, a blank screen and nothing to write, but I feel like writing for some twisted and obscure reason. Quite why this is obscure is rather beyond me, but somethings are there to not be understood I suppose. A point has just been raised to myself. This is the fact that if I ever get a pet it shall be called Wonder, once again, I'm not sure as to the reasoning behind that decision, I'm just going with the assumption that there must be one.
Today I saw 'Ninja Squad'. That was truly awful, but it had scattered chuckles throughout as to just how truly really it really was. The usual cliqued drivel that I have learned to expect from life.
Come to think of it, writing at this very second seems like a load of effort. I think the appropriate course of action in this situation has to be to get a glass of Ribena. The plot twist in this bizarre tale should be to then drink it.
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